


Hindsight

by BeniciHOE, Decaykid



Category: Sicario (Movies), Sicario: Day of the Soldado
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Denial of Feelings, Dirty Talk, Fantasizing, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Guilt, Loss, M/M, Masturbation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Fantasy, Shooting, Survivor Guilt, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 06:52:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16849228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeniciHOE/pseuds/BeniciHOE, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Decaykid/pseuds/Decaykid
Summary: The morning heat was sweltering, sweat made the fabric of his shirt stick to his skin. The fatigue of pulling an all-nighter was heavy in his eyelids, the steadyfwomp-fwomp-fwompof the helicopter’s rotor blades roar overhead but Matt was numb to all of this as he stared at the shell-shocked girl sitting in front of him.Alejandro.Immediately the images came to him, flood his conscience: the man he’s fought side by side with, survived bullet storms with, shed blood and sweat with - his precious bird dog with his ever stoic yet firm and solid presence, brought down to his knees. Matt wasn’t sure which one turns his stomach more- the thrashing as he tried to get away or the way his body suddenly fell still.





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

 

 

The morning heat was sweltering, sweat made the fabric of his shirt stick to his skin. The fatigue of pulling an all-nighter was heavy in his eyelids, the steady  _ fwomp-fwomp-fwomp _ of the helicopter’s rotor blades roar overhead but Matt was numb to all of this as he stared at the shell-shocked girl sitting in front of him.

 

_ Alejandro. _

 

Immediately the images came to him, flood his conscience: the man he’s fought side by side with, survived bullet storms with, shed blood and sweat with - his precious bird dog with his ever stoic yet firm and solid presence, brought down to his knees. Matt wasn’t sure which one turns his stomach more- the thrashing as he tried to get away or the way his body suddenly fell still.

 

_ ‘Get her to the border for me.’ _

 

The cartels are fighting each other. Isabela is once again in their captive. Their mission is successful, but Matt felt so hollow despite the heaviness that weighed on his shoulders, like the air itself is burdened with his loss. There’s a pang in his chest as he looks at the girl and it hurts to breathe.

 

She’s all he has left of him now, his final wish.

 

His dying wish.

 

Matt tried to swallow the sudden lump in his throat to no avail.

 

There’s so much he has to say, things he’ll never get to say, things he always thought could be said later, he never imagined it’d end like this. Not even twelve hours ago they were in the convoy together, Matt touching his arm after the firefight…

 

_ ‘Take this with you.’ _

 

…and now he’s just gone.

  
  
  


Matt sighed heavily as he rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm. The paperwork was starting to blur together, ink and typed words running together as he struggled to fill out statements and checkboxes. He eventually made it through the documents; as he stepped out into the parking lot and into the hot, dry Texas air as he idly thinks of how the papers are black and white, straight-forward. The perfect facade. Just like his work.

 

It’s nothing but lies. Lies and grays of morality, the ugly in-between. The public could never handle the truth, the truth behind the cartels,  Medellín, the government’s involvement and their hungry quest for power. It’s a precarious line to walk, knowing what truths to hide, what to omit. Knowing how to tell someone exactly what they want,  _ need _ , to hear.

 

Like telling a grieving man they can help him, arm him, train him if only he’d agree to ask ‘how high’ when they tell him to jump.

 

Matt sits in his car, keys still in hand as he becomes absorbed in his thoughts.

 

He knew from the beginning what Alejandro was meant to be. He knew he was supposed to be nothing more than another weapon in their arsenal, like an assault rifle or missile. Matt never meant to get  _ attached _ . Somewhere along the way, between the stakeouts and break-ins and shootouts he grew to  _ admire _ Alejandro, even became  _ fond _ of him.

 

Matt places the keys into his ignition and his vehicle purs to life.

 

What’s he supposed to do now?

  
  


Alejandro came to, gasping for air, the scent of coppery blood and rotting flesh the only thing he could smell. He felt like he was suffocating from the bag over his head and he needed to use every last bit of strength to get it off,  _ now _ . 

 

Wiggling his way over to the dead body he knew fell not too far away from him, he felt around to see if there was a knife hiding in the boy’s boot or pocket. When he came up short he went for the belt buckle underneath his knuckles. He hastily cut through his ties and reached up to rip the bag off. He spat out the mouth full of blood that had lodged there from the two perfect holes now adorning his cheeks. 

 

His lungs felt ready to burst from the deep lungfuls of air he was trying to swallow down as fast as he could. His body ached straight down to his bones, he felt tired, the type of tired where you longed to just curl up into a ball and die wishing the pain would go away. But he had to get to Isabel. Had to get to Matt. He prayed to a God that he didn’t believe in, hoping against hope that Matt had a change of heart - that he would go against everything that was ingrained into him from years of being in war to make sure that Isabel lived and got safely over the border. 

 

Tired limbs brought him to the massacre on the highway. The back of the pickup truck littered with dead cartel members and the hideous green Ford Expedition sat not too far ahead. He approached it slowly, walking around to the left passenger side and looking in then opening the door to his relief, seeing no trace of Isabel. He dragged the dead bodies out of the car and threw the weapons into the front passenger seat. He gingerly slid into the car and started up the engine. 

 

Usually, normal people feel guilt over killing someone, almost ninety-nine percent of the time unable to pull the trigger but he didn’t give a fuck anymore. The car that followed him blew up in his rearview mirror and warmth flooded his chest at the sick satisfaction he got from watching these fuckers die. 

 

All energy, however, was drained from him and he let the car steer itself off the road. He sat there for what could have been mere seconds that felt like hours but then Matt crossed his mind.  _ He needed to get to him.  _ Alejandro put the car in reverse and then made his way down the highway to get to the nearest hospital first to get stitched up and bandaged, then he would head home. 

  
  


If there’s one thing Alejandro had learned in his years of being a hitman, it’s knowing which hospitals to visit. The ones in the war-torn part of the cities or towns, caught in turf wars and shoot-outs with the police, the ones where they turn a blind eye and don’t ask questions.

 

He stumbled through the front door, the receptionist didn’t even bat an eyelash at his bloodied and battered appearance. The doctor said nothing as he poked and prodded about. The stitches were excruciating, needle assaulting sore and swollen skin as the thread pulled and tugged the wounds closed. The doctor offered him a room to rest, Alejandro snuck out the back- being cut off from the CIA left him with nothing. He was now a ghost, a dead man walking. He needed to save what money he had for necessities and using his cards would leave a trail.

 

He began to walk, hoping to eventually find refuge.

 

He just needed to rest, then he could continue home.

  
  


They were shapeless, the things that caused him fear. Vague. Ominous, but ever so enclosing. He dreamed in gray. Light and dark muddling together. They choked him. Tighter, tighter. Why can’t he run?

 

Matt woke with a start, a bead of sweat ran down the back of his neck.

 

_ Fuck. _

 

He blinked, rubbed his eye, blinked again.

 

As his heart rate began to slow down and his vision started to clear, he realized he had fallen asleep in his recliner. He reached for his phone on the coffee table, glanced at the screen. He’d only been out for a few hours. He tossed his phone back and sighed heavily as he sank back into is chair. A dull ache pounded away at his temple. He knew he should move to his bed, get some proper sleep but he wasn’t sure he could sleep now, now that he was awake.

 

He opted for a shower instead. He had eagerly shed his clothing and stepped beneath the warm spray of water. He closed his eyes, tried to relax and let the water wash away everything from the last twenty-four hours but the moment he did, the moment he attempted to let his guard down, it all came crashing in. He choked on a sob and his vision went blurry.

 

Alejandro.

 

He’s gone.

 

He’s really gone.

 

Alone in his apartment and confined between porcelain walls, the numbness that had hindered him, protected him from what he didn’t want to deal with was gone and his mind finally began to process what had happened.

 

Memories from the last fifteen years had begun to come back to him, they evoked grief and nostalgia all at once: their first time meeting, and how aloof yet enticing the lawyer had been, their first mission and what a shitshow it was, they both left the field frustrated at themselves but took it out on one another. He remembered the first time Alejandro had opened up to him about his wife and daughter, Matt has listened in solemn silence and learned what all this really meant to him. 

 

As Matt watched him talk he noted the way his features looked in the motel lighting, he thought he understood. He thought of the time he had been shot in the calf while raiding a hideout of the Matamoros cartel, how Alejandro had come back the moment he announced over the headset he had been injured, how Alejandro had stayed with him, hovered over him as if protecting Matt with his own body, as if Matt’s life had been worth more than his own.

 

Next came all the long hours spent together gathering intel, formulating plans, building teams, driving, flying. Those tense moments before a shoot-out, the quiet yet determined expression Alejandro always wore. Then, the softer moments: the hours drinking at a bar, celebrating a successful mission, adrenaline giving way to relief and pride that they had survived another one, together. 

 

There was also the hours on the plane, or in a car, traveling all hours of the day and night. Alejandro hardly ever slept in the hotel rooms, he was always too vigilant, always on his feet, pacing. Matt had teased him for it, calling him a guard dog, but he trusted that man with his life, and Alejandro both knew that and took it seriously. Because of that, it was always on the rides there or back Alejandro would finally sleep, and Matt would watch him, observing the way the streetlights moved the shadows across his face. He cherished those moments, knew what it meant that Alejandro felt comfortable, secure enough around him to let his guard down. When he was sleeping, that was when he looked relaxed. Sometimes, Matt would ache to reach out, to trace those lips usually turned into a deep frown, to trace the grey hollows beneath his eyes from years of sleepless nights

  
  


Matt sat in front of his computer and pulled up all of the files he had on Alejandro. Guilt twisted his stomach, bile rising in the back of his throat. He was too afraid back then, too new and naive to know any better. Sure, he knew this would be a fucked up game that he inevitably became a part of. The US Government was and still is a complete abomination and he was always the one to get dirty. He didn’t mind it now, he could live with most of the shit they made him do but this...this was so fucked up. He was a part of that mission, the one that watched, scoped out Alejandro slowly, with precision, weeding him out from the rest, knowing that this was their guy. The prosecutor and his beloved family, their persecution at his hands. He was in on it when they were ordered to have his family taken out. 

 

_ Why did they make me do that? Did it have to be so fucking brutal? _

 

It had to be believable. They had to make it look like it was the cartels like Manuel Diaz gave the nod to do it. The only way they were going to get Alejandro on their side was to force him to go against their enemies. 

 

Dirty. So fucking dirty.

 

Thinking back to those quiet moments they shared in those hotel rooms. The soft innocent touches form bandaging up a wound that led to him running his fingers through those thick brown locks. Grazing his fingers along sharp cheekbones and full pouty lips. Those moments were few and far between. Matt only got to taste him once, could remember the silkiness of those lips pressed to his own in an almost reverential way. He tasted like honey, bourbon, and the cigar still burning in the ashtray. He would never tire of it, addicted like a drug addict. Alejandro was his God. 

 

Yet he felt like Judas in this story. He came to love this man and yet betrayed him like no one else could. He could chalk it up to following orders, completing the mission, clean the scene. 

 

He shot up from his computer chair, grabbed the armrest, and flung it across the room denting the sheetrock on the opposite side. He fell to his knees and cried. Long fingers pulled thick hair as he rested his forehead against the cool linoleum. Matt should be happy that Alejandro would never find out but now he had to face his demons and his God was dead.

 

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

 

 

“No, not like that,” Alejandro commanded. “Hazlo otra vez.” 

 

Miguel raised the gun, aligned the sight with his target, hesitated, then pulled the trigger.

 

Beside him, Alejandro sighed deeply, and Miguel’s gaze fell to the floor. Slowly, Alejandro began to circle him at a leisurely pace.

 

“There’s no room for self-doubt as a sicario,” he explained. “Every move you make, you make with confidence. Every decision you commit to, there is no time for ‘what if’s’, especially out on the field. Every second is life or death, and not just for you, but your teammates as well. They all trust you to do what is right. And what is right is shooting the motherfucker who is pointing a gun at your face. He wants you dead. He won’t spare you empathy, don’t spare him any.”

 

Alejandro came to a stop at their makeshift target and he eyed the splayed bullet holes critically. The boy had neither accuracy nor precision - he continued to let his thoughts get in the way.

 

“The only way to stop them from hurting you or someone else is to kill them first. And you can not afford to empty an entire clip into a single person to do that. You need to learn to be deadly, otherwise -” Alejandro tongued the scar in the inside of his cheek, “they may come back to get you.”

 

Miguel nodded solemnly. He had long since learned these lessons go better when he was silent and obedient.

 

“Good. Now, again.”   
  
  


* * *

 

 

Matt’s attention moved from the window to his plate. He dragged his fork through his food and aimlessly moved it about. Across from him, Steve wordlessly ate his meal. Matt laid his fork down and took a long sip of beer while he ignored the dull ache of his bandaged wrist as it sat in his lap. The injury got him some time off, and Steve offered to take him out for lunch. Matt didn’t really feel like going, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t gotten sick of staring at his walls wallowing in regret.

 

A year had gone by. It felt like it flew by yet it seemed to drag on endlessly at the same time. So intolerable yet so peaceful. Matt was becoming careless out in the field. He could care less if he lived or died at this point. What was life without Alejandro?

 

He couldn’t make himself feel any emotion, feeling as though he had been wiped of all feelings and expressions. He felt hollow and dead inside, felt that everything he was going through in his life was not real. Matt felt disconnected from himself and his team. 

 

He sat at home in the dark every night staring aimlessly at the wall. Couldn’t sleep from nightmares he would have of watching Alejandro die, of watching his team kill his family, of those many nights shared in those hotel rooms with faded out carpets, smoke-stained walls, and ugly sheets that just never felt clean.

 

He thought maybe going out would break up the depressive monotonous pit he’d fallen into, but he’s found it’s all still there, just with country music playing in the background now.

 

“You ever have regret?” Matt asked, sick of thoughts bouncing around in his head. He wants to lay them to rest - even if it means talking about them.

 

Steve didn’t bother to look up from his steak as he answered.

 

“Yeah, of course. Who doesn’t?”

 

Matt frowned deeply.

 

That wasn’t what he meant, and he briefly wondered if he really was the only one dealing with these thoughts, these demons. He feels like he’s the only one who’s mourning for Alejandro.

 

“What about work?” Matt asked, not quite able to bring his to Steve’s direction. “You ever regret something about work?”

 

A tense silence stretched on between the two and Matt couldn’t bare the way Steve looked at him.

 

“Is this… is this about Alejandro?” Steve asks tentatively.

 

“No, it’s not just about Alejandro,” Matt said, unable to keep the defensive tone from his voice.

 

“He knew what he was getting into, Matt. And you were just following orders. You couldn’t have done anything,” Steve explained matter-of-factly.

 

“I could’ve not followed orders. I could’ve helped him, I could’ve…” he falters, “I could’ve told them not to kill his family.” His gaze had returned to the window, though his mind was a lifetime away as he thought back to that fateful day.

 

“Look, Matt, I know it’s been rough on you, but you can’t keep living like this. It’ll get you killed.” He said, then gestured to Matt’s wrapped up wrist. “Alejandro wouldn’t want to see you like this. Finish his work for him, that’d make him happy.”

 

“His work?” Matt scoffed. “You mean his revenge plot that  _ we _ orchestrated?”

 

Matt grabbed his beer and quickly finished it off.   
  


* * *

 

Alejandro groaned as he laid himself on the bed - what the boy lacked in marksmanship, he more than made up in hand to hand combat. Unfortunately for Miguel, you had to get the gun out of the other guy’s hand before you could punch him into submission.

 

Alejandro had taught the boy all he could. Now, he would learn from experience.

 

Eager to wind down for the night, Alejandro grabbed his laptop and did what he always did before bed - he checked Matt’s files. He frowned as he skimmed through the latest addition. Matt had gotten hurt while on the field - again.

 

He never knew Matt to be careless. He was always one step ahead of everyone on the team and five ahead of their enemies. This wasn’t like him. He should be there with him to cover him, to watch his back. He would see him again though in due time. However, he felt about Matt couldn’t cover up the fact that he knew about them killing his family. They thought he couldn’t see them tracking him, someone always behind him, following like his own shadow. He tried to get his family out of Juárez before anything could happen to them but he wasn’t fast enough. 

 

It killed him every day to be so close to the man that had a hand in it. But he fell in love with him. Alejandro knew he wasn’t the one that pulled the trigger but he would make him pay for it. Even if it killed him. 

 

One minute he was daydreaming of the moment when they would finally be able to reunite and the next he remembered just how much hatred he felt towards him, and his heart broke all over again. He thought in time he would be able to cope with it, avoid all reminders of them together but every time he tried he felt like he was drowning, unable to breathe. Matt gave him life, but he knew Matt would not hesitate to take a life.

 

Could Alejandro do what he needed to do when the time came?

 

“Who is that man?” Miguel asked as he stood in the doorframe of Alejandro’s room.

 

“He was a colleague of mine.” And so much more…

 

Alejandro mentally scolded himself. He needed to think only in facts, and nothing else.

 

“He was with you in the car that day.”

 

Alejandro gave a single nod. That moment felt like lifetimes away …

 

“Get some rest,” Alejandro said as he closed his laptop. “We have a big day tomorrow.”

 

* * *

  
  


Matt kept his eyes trained forward, vision strained in the dark as he carefully made his way through the building.

 

Nothing made sense.

 

Cartels couldn’t be behind this, it was too clean, too precise. They had no reason for it. They would never purposely aggravate the CIA.

 

Terrorist maybe?

 

Alejandro kept his back pressed to the wall as he peered around the corner.

 

So far so good. There had been a bit of a slip up at the beginning on Miguel’s behalf, but it wasn’t anything Alejandro couldn’t quickly fix. The boy had been holding his own.

 

Alejandro heard a gunshot nearby, followed by a muffled cry of pain.

 

The boy’s been hit.

 

Alejandro quickly made his way through the cover of darkness.

 

Matt lowered his gun as he tried to see where his target had fallen. By the sound of his voice, he had to be young. Matt got to his feet and adopted a defensive position as he toed his way down the dark hallway. He listened for movement and raised his gun once he was close enough to hear the boy’s pained, jagged breathing. Slowly he peered down his sights, fingered poised above the trigger.

 

“Don’t fucking move.” Came a voice just a few feet in front of him.

 

Matt’s blood ran cold as his nerve endings caught fire.

 

_ No. _

 

He knew that voice.

 

It couldn’t be.

 

“Put the gun down.”

 

Images of a thrashing body going still run through his head on repeat. How many times had he heard those words spoken in the last fifteen years, in that same commanding, daring tone?

 

“ _ Alejandro _ ?”, he whispered to the man that was as still as a statue. At first he couldn’t move, too stunned at the sight before him, blood pumping through his veins, adrenaline rushing through him. 

 

“Matt.”

 

They greeted each other like old pals, and it stings both men, how easily they fall into familiarity.

 

“How are you still alive? I watched you die.”

 

They weren’t here for conversation, Alejandro thinks. He did not spend all that time planning this just to have a chit-chat and catch up. He was here on a mission.

 

In an act to reaffirm his resolve, Alejandro tightened his grip on his gun.

 

Fuck. Why couldn’t he do this?

 

“What did you do with Isabel?” Alejandro grounded out instead as if Matt’s answer could change any of this. 

 

Would it matter if Isabel was just another casualty in the war? Didn’t Matt have enough blood on his hands already? What was one more girl?

 

Time had come to a standstill for Matt. His thoughts moved like molasses.

 

Alejandro was alive. And he was here. Right in front of him.

 

It stung, deep, like a stab wound, but oh didn’t it make sense? For the last year and half Matt had been agonizing over the things he would do differently, the confessions he wanted to make, the slate he wanted to clean if he had ever gotten the chance.

 

And he got it.

 

And it’s in the form of a familiar face looking down the barrel of a gun.

 

“I..I did what you asked.”

 

Matt was surprised by the tremor in his voice. He had never not been confident, never second-guessed himself. But that was then. That lifestyle, those lies, those are now in the past. Now he could only be raw, be flawed, open and insecure and honest.

 

This is what he wanted. Just a single moment of honesty.

 

“I got her across the border. Demolished the fucks that…” His voice became caught in his throat. He couldn’t vocalize the words, even as he stared at the proof that they weren’t true. “She was put into Witness Protection. She’s safe now. I check the reports on her from time to time. She’s doing good.”

 

There.

 

Alejandro got his closure. Isabel was the last thing that was connecting these two. Now he could do it.

 

Now he could extract his revenge on the people who burned him.

 

All he had to do was pull the trigger.

 

Alejandro’s vision began to blur and his face grew hot.

 

Why couldn’t he just pull the fucking trigger? He never hesitated. He couldn’t take his own advice that he had given Miguel. Don’t hesitate or you’re going to be the one who ends up dead. His trigger finger moved a fraction and then backed off over and over again as he pointed it towards the man he knew better than himself. 

 

“Alejandro, I…”

 

Alejandro immediately relaxed. He shoulders sagged forward and he let out a long breath. He couldn’t do it. 

 

“What?” He growled, voice wet, and then “you took  _ everything _ from me.”

 

But Alejandro still couldn’t do it.

 

As much as Matt had taken from him, he had given back. How many times had Matt saved Alejandro out there? How many times did he have to patch him back up after a particularly strenuous mission, fingertips brushing skin as he did. How many drinks did they share? Or beds? Stories? Hours laughing together… falling, even.

 

He was furious with the man in front of him, and rightfully so, but hadn’t he forgiven him years ago?

 

“Fuck!” Alejandro rasped as he lowered his gun.

 

Fifteen years.

 

For fifteens year they had forged a bond, one of blood and desert skies, bandaged wounds and long rides, making homes of motel rooms, stolen glances.

 

Fifteen years.

 

That was longer than he knew his daughter or his wife.

 

He couldn’t just throw that all away.

 

This was never about revenge, Alejandro realized as he sat himself down on a chair in the hallway. It was about closure for his own sanity so that he could move on. It was always about returning to Matt. He needed him in his life. Matt gave him purpose, direction, meaning.

 

When Matt was finally was able to move he walked over and stood in between Alejandro’s spread thighs. He dropped down to his knees, planted his hands on him, and wept. 

 

“I...I am so sorry.” Matt stammered out between sobs. “I shouldn’t have left you there. I-I I abandoned you.”

 

Alejandro watched Matt knelt before him weeping, as though he were praying, begging forgiveness from a God even though Alejandro’s body trembled like his own yet still wound tight.

 

“You’re right, I’ve taken everything. I… I-”

 

How many times had Matt rehearsed this in his head? This speech to a dead man. This is what he wanted, to apologize for everything he had done. Why couldn’t he do it?

 

“You can’t even speak it,” Alejandro said, voice thin. He stood from the chair, had half a mind to kick Matt who looked deflated at his feet, anything to release the tension that grew inside.

 

“You made a career out of lying to everyone Matt! Including me!” Alejandro shouted, and he shook with the unbridled fury of a God. “After everything I did for you, everything I sacrificed- and you still can’t bring yourself, to tell the truth! Do I not deserve that much?”

 

His angry voice echoed down the hall.

 

“I…” Matt tried as he pulled himself to his feet. Knew this was his only chance to rectify this. 

 

“You what?” Alejandro challenged as everything he’d kept pent up came pouring out.

 

“I love you!” Matt yelled, and it surprised even himself.

 

The silence that followed is a stark contrast to the yelling it followed, but it felt infinitely louder.

 

The silence continued to stretch on.

 

Why wouldn’t Alejandro say anything? Something,  _ anything _ . Anything to break the silence that Matt had been living in for the past year and a half.

 

Matt had fought in wars. He’d mowed enemies down in a gunfight, been close enough to watch the light fade from their eyes as he took their life. Matt has had meetings with presidents and government officials, big men with bigger power, had to convince them why his way was best. Matt had gone toe to toe with some of the most violent criminals on Earth and walked away unscathed. His life had offered him a variety of challenges, each he had faced each one head on.

 

But not this.

 

He ran.

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

 

Matt sat with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands wrapped in his hair. He rocked back and forth rethinking what happened over and over again in his mind. He felt like he was going to snap at any minute, the thin cord keeping him bound with his sanity soon gone. He barely got out of there. If Alejandro wanted him dead he would be and the thought of it almost happening made him break out into a cold sweat.

The relief that washed over him was in sharp contrast to what he was feeling. Alejandro is still alive, he was always alive. The weight of that was crushing, even worse was the fact that he didn’t go back for him. Alejandro was alive, bleeding out in the desert, and he did nothing.

He told him he loved him. _What a fucking idiot?!_ _He comes back into your life and the minute you get to talk with him you scare him away._ He should have never said anything but if he didn’t he knew he would have regretted it. If Alejandro did kill him at least he would finally know how he felt. It was always unspoken between them but finally, Matt hurdled over that imaginary line that they both drew themselves. 

He wasn’t good enough for Alejandro. His fucked up past, the monster that he was...he would never feel clean again, the stench of death permeating the air around him. The air, however, was different, suddenly shifting, the stillness broken by something, someone else was here. He grabbed for one of his guns that were hidden throughout the house, got up silently, and moved forward. 

Matt went through the first floor of the house and found no one there so he slowly moved up the stairs avoiding the spots where the creaks would give him away. He entered one room and then the next until finally, his bedroom door was in front of him. He raised his gun and kicked the door open aiming directly between the man’s eyes that sat on his bed. 

“I know you were a part of having my family killed and yet I stayed with you. You are all I have. And although I know you weren’t the one to pull the trigger you were still involved nonetheless. Your men don’t even flinch without you giving them the okay first.”

Matt sighed heavily as he lowered the gun. His eyes wandered aimlessly along the floor as though the answers laid hidden in the carpet.

This was happening.

No more regrets, or secrets, or running. They were going to face this head on.

Matt sat himself down on the bed a healthy distance from Alejandro; they were side by side again, as they had always been.

“You knew…” It was supposed to be a question but came out as a hollow statement, void of all infliction. Matt had been agonizing over this secret since it happened, and Alejandro had known all along.

“Did you really think I’d never find out?” Alejandro asked, voice thin but earnest.

Matt felt the sharp sting of shame in his chest. It wasn’t like he doubted Alejandro’s intelligence, he had simply overestimated his naivety.

“It was Steve, who told me,” Alejandro continued, “I’d always had my suspicions…”

“Jesus,” Matt muttered as he idly fidgeted with the gun in his hands. “When?”

“Culiacán,” Alejandro said somberly and Matt nodded.

“That was three years in,” Matt commented, almost offhandedly, as his thoughts drifted to that particular mission.

They’d been after the Sinola Cartel, and in those days they had been less experienced, Alejandro especially. His goal was to sneak into one of the vehicles used to transport drugs and drive it off effectively making a whole order of drugs seemingly disappear, causing the cartel members to turn on one another in distrust. 

What Alejandro hadn’t realized was a cartel member hiding away in the vehicle until he was driving down the road and was attacked. Matt could still remember trailing him as he watched with horror Alejandro being thrown from the moving vehicle. Matt had to make a choice then, pursue the vehicle and kill the witness, or pick up Alejandro off the side of the road.

“I didn’t understand why you did it.” Alejandro knew what he was to the CIA, to Matt. He was nothing more than a chess piece in a strategic war-game against the cartels, a pawn to Matt’s knight. They should have gone after the target and come back for him, but Matt had abandoned the objective and even climbed out of his own vehicle to help Alejandro, who had broken his leg in the fall, into the van.

“While my leg was healing on base, I had asked Steve. He said that to you I was precious, your pet project, that you had too much invested in me to just let me go.”

“Alejandro-” Matt tried, because it was different now,  _ he _ was different now-

\- but that doesn’t take away the pain of the past.

Matt slowly closed his eyes and he slumped forward as though he physically felt the conversation weigh heavy on his shoulders.

“You didn’t even get to hear it from me,” Matt said, then he placed his gun on the nightstand to pace slowly the along the length of his bed. He sighed heavily and pushed a hand roughly through his hair. How did he even begin to explain, to apologize, to say whatever it was that Alejandro needed,  _ deserved _ , to hear?

“I fucked up.” He said simply as he came to a stop in front of Alejandro and shrugged his shoulders with one hand in his pocket and the other at his side.

“Shit.” Matt softly whispered to himself as a few sudden tears fell down his cheeks. He used his free hand to quickly wipe them away and he looked Alejandro in the eyes.

“I did… something  _ horrendous _ , Alejandro. Something horrific, unforgivable. I knew what the CIA did to your wife, to your daughter. I knew they were manipulating the situation, and you. I knew what my job was when they put you under my order, and I complied. I, I helped  _ make _ you, Alejandro. Before the guns, and the training and the Ops. I helped break you, so I could-” Matt’s voice cracked “- so I could rebuild you, in the way the CIA needed. And then I abandoned you in that godforsaken desert.”

Matt took a moment to try and compose himself, as though he could control the way his lips trembled or his breath shook.

“But I am not that man anymore, and it’s because of you.” His voice caught on the last word and he let the stray tears fall freely this time.

“I never… I never meant to hurt you, Alejandro. This was just supposed to be another war, but then you showed me… there’s so much more than just fighting and planning and strategy. There’s a reason people fight, for safety, for a safer, better tomorrow. And you, you reminded me of that. I just wanted-”

Matt words got caught in his throat. He paused, took a deep breath, went on.

“But I couldn’t protect you when I was the one hurting you, could I? God dammit, you were supposed to be just another colleague, but then I…”

The words  _ ‘I fell for you’ _ hang heavy in the air, unspoken and Matt couldn’t bring himself to voice them, to bring them to existence, to acknowledge just how fucked up this whole situation had been.

The somber silence stretched on between them.

“We all have blood on our hands, Matt,” Alejandro spoke quietly, as if not to disturb the silence. “I know the cartels didn’t murder my family, but I fought alongside you anyway.”

Alejandro stood from the bed and slowly closed the distance between him and Matt.

“You’re not the only who has changed in our fifteen years, Matt.” Alejandro reached out, hesitated, then gently placed his palm against Matt’s cheek and thumbed away his tears. “I never thought I would love again, after losing them. I thought that part of me was gone.”

Alejandro’s thumb moved down the curve of Matt’s cheek to trace his bottom lip.

“Why did you stay?” Matt asked, voice barely a whisper as he stood still beneath Alejandro’s touch.

“Because I fell in love with you. I’ve loved you for years now,” Alejandro confessed. 

Matt took a step back and paced, he couldn’t in a million years believe that Alejandro loved him, especially after what he had done. He stopped, his back turned to the wall, and looked at the man that he had wronged. 

Alejandro’s eyes swept down the space between them and then back up again as he stood a few feet back from Matt. Matt took a few stiff steps forward and slowly approached Alejandro. By the time he stopped, his chest was hovering right in front of Alejandro’s. 

Matt shuffled a bit closer not sure how welcome he would be in the other man’s space.  _ Was this moving too fast? Was this the right time? _

Their thighs touched and it sent adrenaline shooting through his body, more so than any op ever could. Nervously, Matt raked a hand through his hair. He looked away to gather his nerve before taking a deep breath; Alejandro hasn’t stopped him yet, so he hoped it was okay to continue.

“ Estás seguro?” Matt needed to know. He wouldn’t continue if Alejandro didn’t want this. (Are you sure?)

“Siempre he querido esto.” (I’ve always wanted this.)

He stepped in a little closer and their waists and stomachs slowly pressed together. Matt made sure to keep some distance between his crotch and Alejandro’s, though, because he’d be mortified if could feel how hard he was beneath his slacks right now. 

He watched Alejandro break eye contact; watched Alejandro’s eyes slowly drop down to Matt’s lips before continuing lower, taking in the close proximity of Matt’s body to his, before coming back up and lingering on his mouth again. He could hear Alejandro’s breathing – no longer inaudible and steady but slightly fast and shallow now. Matt hoped this was okay because he didn’t think he could stop.

He gently lifted a hand and grazed his fingers along the curve of Alejandro’s throat. Alejandro looked up into his eyes again and Matt almost moaned under his breath when he realized that Alejandro’s pupils were blown wide. He’s enjoying this, maybe almost as much as Matt. 

Sliding his hand up, Matt dragged his fingertips softly along Alejandro’s jaw. He used the top of his index finger to lightly trace down the line of his chin, before gingerly grazing his thumb across his bottom lip. Alejandro’s breath caught in his throat as he continued to stare. Neither of them wanted to break this moment. The bubble surrounding them would surely burst if either spoke.

He searched Alejandro’s eyes for a sign, a hint of any kind for him to stop, and when he found none, he leaned in, breath coming out soft and shaky. He just barely nudges his lips across Alejandro’s and then breathed. He can still feel Alejandro’s mouth, right there, almost touching but not quite, and Matt’s whole body is screaming at him. 

Alejandro finds himself aching for it. His breathing is broken and just as shaky as Matt’s. His eyes are on Matt’s beautiful mouth - and this is not how he’d expected this to go when he stepped foot in his house, but then he slowly dragged his eyes up and met Matt’s again. 

Matt scanned his expression before taking his turn to take in the sight of Alejandro’s plush lips. He could feel Alejandro’s hands slip up and touch either side of his waist and he shivered. Alejandro swallowed and Matt watched the way his adam’s apple bobbed up and down. He wanted to run his tongue over it.

“If you don’t stop me, I’m going to kiss you…” Matt breathed before he could stop the words from rushing out.

“ Por favor, no te detengas,” Alejandro whispered. “Besame.” (Please, don’t stop. Kiss me.)

 

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, I do not speak Spanish so we used google translate for this story! If anything is messed up please let us know so we can fix it. - beniciHOE

* * *

 

 

Matt dared to lean in, his heart was racing with nerves and adrenaline, and he eagerly pressed his lips to Alejandro’s. The kiss was soft and sweet for a moment, then it turned hungry as Alejandro crushed his mouth against Matt’s as he dug his fingers into his waist desperately. Matt pulled away just a fraction to reposition their mouths, then he kissed Alejandro again. Alejandro returned it with fervor, then guided Matt’s hips forward, seeking friction. Matt gave into the contact, and greedily started grinding against him, he needed more, needed whatever Alejandro was willing to offer.

Alejandro guided the two of them backward towards the bed until the backs of his legs met the mattress. He sat heavily, Matt eagerly followed, half falling, half climbing into Alejandro’s lap as Alejandro dragged him in closer. The kisses became deeper, more exploratory as Alejandro played with Matt’s bottom lip with tongue and teeth; his hands continued to grip at Matt’s hips while Matt’s hands were placed lightly on Alejandro’s shoulders, fingertips grazed his neck while his thumbs stroked along Alejandro’s jaw and chin.

For once Matt had the height advantage perched on Alejandro’s lap. He looked down into dark depths, pupils blown wide from lust, and he was sure his eyes looked the same. He wasted no time in bunching up Alejandro’s shirt in his hands and pulled it off of him. Alejandro’s head leant back, eyes closed. Matt’s eyes go over the column of his neck, tempting him, collarbones casting slight shadows, delectable in their own right. Nipples harden under his gaze, inviting like a siren’s song. All that skin presented to him like a feast and all for the taking.

Matt splayed one hand on Alejandro’s chest, pushing him to lay back. He stood up and made quick work of the button and zipper on Alejandro’s pants and pushed them down far enough to expose his hip bones and Matt latched his mouth onto one and then the other, sucking and biting, leaving purplish red marks along the way.  _ Mine. _

Alejandro writhed and moaned against the onslaught, undulating his hips, silently asking for more. Matt’s tongue then circled around Alejandro’s naval. Alejandro purred, hips continuing to rock slightly, Matt smirked as he hooked his fingers on each side of Alejandro’s pants. He slowly pulled them down the rest of the way to Alejandro’s ankles, before throwing them to the side, eyes falling on his cock that lay hard against his stomach.

"See something you like?" Alejandro questioned, smiling coyly.

"Fuck," Matt cursed, cheeks flushing, “Look at you…all mine. I can’t wait to get my mouth on your cock.”

“ Por favor, deja de molestarme,” Alejandro breathed. (Please, stop teasing me.)

Matt stayed quiet as he moved back up, breath catching on Alejandro’s cock, making him keen. His tongue came out to lick one perfect strip up Alejandro’s length. That noise only spurred Matt on as he took the head of his cock in his mouth and swirled his tongue around. Alejandro cried out, fingers clutching at the sheets. Matt moaned when Alejandro’s legs came to rest of their own accord on his shoulders, feet planted on his back. Matt took more of Alejandro in, moaning sweetly as the vibrations rumbled up his cock, making him growl, and nearly ripped comforter.

"Oh yes! Matt, fuck," he gasped. "Ungh, let me fuck your mouth," Alejandro pleaded.

Matt’s cock twitched. He really liked the thought of that, knowing that he could get Alejandro to this state alone with just his tongue. Having his throat fucked until he couldn't breathe much until he drooled so much it ran down his chin and neck was a huge turn on for him. Alejandro thrust his hips up slightly and his cock hit the back of Matt’s throat, making him gag at the sudden intrusion. Alejandro moaned at the sound.

“You’re not allowed to come until I say you can. Is that understood?” Matt asked then. Alejandro raised up onto his elbows, “ Sí. Siempre seguiré tu orden.” (Yes. I will always follow your command.)

God, this man could reduce him to a whimpering mess. He wanted to suck Alejandro’s cock until he felt him paint the back of his throat with his come but he needed to be inside of him. He moved up the bed and kissed Alejandro, he ran his tongue along the seam of his lips and moaned when they parted so easily for him, Alejandro addicted to the taste of himself on Matt’s tongue.

Matt held up one finger to Alejandro’s mouth.

“Suck. Get it nice and wet. That will be the only thing you’ll be getting to ease your way.” Alejandro sucked on Matt’s finger getting it dripping wet and Matt moaned at the feeling of Alejandro’s skillful tongue.

“I want to watch you open yourself up for my cock.” 

Alejandro spread his legs wide and bent them at the knee, feet planted on the bed. Carefully, he nudged the tip of one finger into his entrance.

"Yes, that’s it. Fuck, you're so gorgeous," Matt commented, his own cock pulled out now, boxers tucked underneath his balls, languidly stroking himself as he watched.

"Fuck yourself on that finger for me," Matt was hard as a rock. Alejandro moaned and began thrusting slowly, in and out, bucking against his own hand.

Matt moaned at the sight, Alejandro glistening; a sheen of sweat covered his golden skin. Matt told him to add a second finger and search for his prostate.

"Dios mío! Please, Matt, I need to feel you inside of me!" Alejandro cried out. He locked eyes with him and Matt felt his heart beat faster in his chest, the love he saw in those eyes could make any man drown.

Alejandro became a whining, moaning mess. Matt was losing his mind; he couldn’t wait to touch him. Alejandro panted heavily, his face twisted in intense pleasure. His legs trembled and spasmed from hip to toe and his free hand closed around the sheets once again in a death grip.

“Enough,” Matt commanded.

Matt stood up and took his pants off the rest of the way kicking them off to the side to land in a pile with their clothing on the floor. Alejandro’s body was magnificent. His lean muscular chest was topped off by delicate nipples, which were quite stiff, standing out proudly. His body tapered to a lovely waist, then flared again to firm looking hips. 

“Sit at the top of the bed leaning against the headboard, legs spread,” Matt directed, his voice a suggestive purr that left Matt surprised at how quickly his otherwise always stoic and calm partner was ready to succumb to someone else so quickly. Once in position, Matt crawled up the bed slowly to his prize and placed a hand on one delicate ankle, then slid it up his silky smooth thigh. The closer his hand got to Alejandro’s cock, the worse he trembled. Matt traced the head of his cock with one finger and it came away glistening with his precome.

He sucked the digit into his mouth and moaned at the sweet taste of Alejandro and his eyes grew dark. He made his way further up the bed, straddled his thighs, and went for Alejandro’s neck, licking, sucking, and biting until it was a bruised, purpling mess. His other hand came up cupping Alejandro’s neck gently; Matt nipped lightly at Alejandro's lips, causing him to gasp, his mouth opening slightly. Matt took the chance to lick into his mouth, causing him to moan. Matt completely dominated the kiss, every motion, every movement. When Matt pulled away, there was something akin to approval glinting in his eyes when he took in Alejandro’s kiss-swollen lips.

Matt straddled Alejandro’s thighs, “Open up,” he growled. 

With his one hand, he slipped his thumb between Alejandro’s lips and his bottom row of teeth, and then pried his mouth open. “Do you want my cock?” Matt asked. Alejandro lurched up and swallowed down Matt’s entire length, making a breathless groan rise up in his throat.

He grabbed Alejandro by the hair and yanked his head back. “You’ll take it when I give it to you,” Matt said.

Alejandro opened his mouth, all the muscles in his body tense, and rests back, weight on his elbows, and waits. 

“Get it wet,” Matt advised. “You’re not getting any lube when I fuck you, just spit,” Alejandro flicks his eyes up to meet Matt’s, moving his head and making it as messy as possible. “Take it deeper, Alejandro; yes, just like that…good,” Matt moaned.

Matt grabbed Alejandro’s face in both his hands to feel his jaw work while he sucked him and then held his face where he wanted it and fucked his mouth, and he doesn’t go easy. He jammed his cock down Alejandro’s throat, his eyes water and he coughed a little, his brows furrowed up. Alejandro started moaning around him as Matt looked and watched his cock sliding in and out of that mouth. He slipped his erection in and out, thrusts once, twice, just to watch the bulge in Alejandro’s cheek where the head of his cock pushed against that velvet softness of the inside of his mouth.

He pulled out abruptly and grabbed one hip in a vice-like grip signaling Alejandro to turn over and then his hips are being pulled back to make him go on all fours. Matt runs one fingertip from the end of his spine all the way down to his perineum, watches Alejandro’s muscles twitch a little at the touch. Matt put both hands on Alejandro’s cheeks, pulled them apart and then licks a very long stripe back up the path his finger had taken, from Alejandro’s balls to the end of his spine.

Alejandro jolts and then gasps Matt’s name. Allowing himself a small smile, Matt leaned back in, tongue tracing back its original path, but slower this time and just with the tip, just tiny teasing flicks of his tongue until he gets to Alejandro’s hole. It's already twitching in anticipation so Matt rewards it with a few thorough licks, feeling that furled skin under his tongue. A whine escaped Alejandro and Matt’s lips stretched into a smile again.

"Matt," Alejandro gasped. "Oh, please, yes!”

When he moved his tongue up again it's with another broad stroke, this time stopping above Alejandro’s hole to lap at it a few times. The muscles twitch and Alejandro whines and Matt is now done with teasing, positioning the tip of his tongue at his entrance and he pushes inside as deep as he can go, Alejandro gives a loud groan, hips thrusting back into the touch. With one hand he let go of one cheek and slid one finger into his entrance underneath where his tongue is occupied, gliding easily from his saliva making Alejandro slick. The resulting, strangled half-moan, half-gasp is a pleasure to hear so Matt does it again, this time managing to wrangle a high-pitched whine from Alejandro’s lips.

Alejandro turned back around to lay on his back. Matt locked eyes with him. “I have wanted you so badly for years Alejandro. I’m going to fuck you now,” Matt purred seductively.

“Te he deseado por tanto tiempo,” Alejandro whispered. (I have wanted you for just as long.)

Matt leaned forward and sealed his lips over his groaning at the wonderful taste of him. Never breaking contact he reached over and all but dragged Alejandro on top of him making him straddle his thighs. “I can’t wait any longer to take you. This will not be the last time I fuck you Alejandro,” Matt assured.

He spit into his hand and moved it under Alejandro, slippery, sinking into him. “Stroke your cock while I stretch you open for me,” Alejandro shuddered at the twin sensations: fingers inside him, his hand on his cock. It felt amazing, and he leaned forward to rest his head against Matt’s shoulder in ecstasy.

“Ready me Alejandro,” he moved back and let spit fall down from his mouth to land on Matt’s length, using his hand to spread it over him. He then moved forward again and reached behind himself to direct Matt’s cock into his stretched hole. He sighed in bliss as Matt let him sink down to be filled completely.

“That’s so fucking good,” he licked Alejandro’s neck. “Now stroke yourself while I fuck you.” 

He put his hands on Alejandro’s waist and lifted him, then released, letting his weight drive him down hard onto his cock. The next time Matt let him fall, Alejandro’s head dropped forward once again. His legs were spread obscenely wide, his hand trembling on himself, his teeth biting viciously at his lip.

Alejandro moaned, his toes curling, and his hand sliding along his cock. 

“That’s it; do you like my cock inside of you?” Matt’s voice caressed him. “Filling you completely? I’m going to come in you and watch as it runs down your thighs.” 

Matt pulled Alejandro off of his cock, “Lie down, Alejandro.” Matt watched as he obeyed. Alejandro felt hot and needy; his hands pulling at Matt for a kiss. Every one of Alejandro’s inhibitions fell away, and he was hungry for it, he needed to be fucked.

“Turn over.”

Alejandro obeyed immediately, and Matt pushed inside him quickly. “Tell me who you belong to?”

“You,” Alejandro whimpered, still hard, still aching and needy. “Oh, please, Matt! Más!” 

Matt’s strong hands positioned him, opening him, dragging pleasure from him again and again until he could bear it no longer. The longer the punishing thrusts continued the more filth stumbled out of his mouth. “God! Yes, please. Fuck me, use me, make me come,” Alejandro all but screamed.

“Fuck yes,” Matt gritted out picking up the pace. “Only my cock is going to satisfy you now, right?” Alejandro’s eyes roll into his head at the fullness. He whimpers out a moan, rolling his body and meeting Matt’s thrusts with vigor, trying to get him even deeper. 

“You’re so fucking big,” Alejandro compliments breathlessly, struggling with the words. “Oh… Oh fuck, yes, fuck me just like that,” he groans grinding his hips back, “…yeahhh, just. like. that,” each word punctuated by a thrust back of his hips.

The more  _ please _ and  _ fuck yes _ ’ that fell out of Alejandro’s mouth, the more heat ran through Matt’s veins straight down to his cock. He could no longer hold back and feels his orgasm approaching in waves but Alejandro has to come first. Matt doesn’t let up on his thrusts as he reaches one hand to join Alejandro’s around his erection. 

“Matt, I’m going to come,” Alejandro whispers quickly under his breath, dropping his upper half down to the bed. Matt grunts, biting his lip, and speeds up his hips, plowing in and out of Alejandro as he feels his balls draw up tight. 

“I want to feel you come in me,” Alejandro says. “I want you to fill me. Make me yours,” he begs.

He savored the perfection of Matt’s cock, moving inside him again and again. Alejandro felt Matt’s approaching orgasm almost as if it were his own. Harder, faster, more, until Matt thrust in one last time and the hardness inside him was stuttering, giving in and that set Alejandro over the edge, sending him into his own tidal wave of ecstasy.

Once there breathing returned to normal they laid down side by side on the bed, Matt spooning up behind Alejandro. 

 

* * *

 


End file.
